Packers@Vikings

I think it's been almost four decades since Glen Campbell sang "Give me back the old familiar feeling." Well, it's back. I feel that old familiar feeling back in full force with these Vikings.

They were coming off a bye week. They were playing a Bears team that had given up 107 points in their prior two games. They were playing a team with Jay freakin' Cutler at quarterback. What a setup.

And they dawdled through a pathetic game despite the Bears' best efforts to keep the Vikings in the game. The offense was inept. The play calling almost had me wishing for the creative play calling days of Bill Musgrave (I did say "almost"). And Matt Kalil looked as bad as Matt Kalil does. We had few third down conversions, few first downs, more offense generated in one play by a safety than the entire rest of the team at half-time.

The Vikings are 4-6 and tied with the Bears for the bottom of the NFC North. And this was supposed to be one of their easy games. This week, we will drown in our own blood as the high-flying Packers come to town. Oh, the humanity. And the fans are all screaming around here. I wish Herbert Morrison were around to call this game.

So, you're back to continue reading this email after googling Herbert Morrison, huh? Did you hear the recording of his broadcast? After the game, you can just superimpose that recording on the game film. And you too can feel what it is like to witness a great disaster.

The only question is whether the Packers will actually need the second half in order to hit 500 yards of offense.

Fortunately, I will only be able to watch the first half of the game with anyone who shows up. Sheila has a Youth Orchestra concert. Strangely, I'm delighted to be missing part of this game. I have no doubt that the Youth Orchestra concert will be much more energizing and entertaining than this game.

It's over folks. There is no competitive game to watch this weekend. Packer fans are welcome to come over for the first half to gloat and celebrate every few minutes after their team scores. We'll let them enjoy that silly smirk on Aaron's face as he treats this like a game against a HS team. Vikings fans can come and enjoy the company and beer and pretend like this was expected all along. Let's be thankful that we can go the rest of this year without caring about what the Vikings do.

Oh yes, that old familiar feeling is back.

Vikings@Bears

Did I forget to send out a football email on Wednesday? Must be bye week. Or, I just wanted to extend the thought that the Vikings have gone three weeks without losing. You think that's a low standard I have for them? Well, it's a lot more than the Bears can say about their last three weeks.

The bye came at the right time for the Vikes. A legitimate win against a 3-5 Washington team at home is more than I expected (I had predicted a loss).

We play a team that was handed the same "butt-whoopin'" that we experienced at the hands of the evil Packers. In fact, that butt-whoopin' came after another butt-whoopin they got from the Patriots. The Bears defense has given up 106 points in their last TWO games. Ouch. They've got to be hurtin'.

And here come the Vikings with their usual salve. Apparently, the Vikings have not won at Chicago for the last six meetings. Why make this year special? It's about time we made a third-rate QB look like a first-ball hall of famer. Since Josh Freeman isn't around any more, might as well make pathetic Jay Cutler look like a superstar. Why the hell not? We're Minnesota nice and we don't want those poor windy city folks to feel too bad now, do we?

And, Jared Allen will be there. We do want him to feel good about leaving the Vikings. Let him make the point that the Vikings should never have let him go, even though it had to be done and Everson Griffen has proven to be a big upgrade over Jared. He's too old to handle our young folks up front, anyway. He'll be lining up across from ... uh, what? ... no ... no ... say it ain't so ... Jared Allen will be lining up across from MATT KALIL? No, no, no, no. Please. 

If you don't like to watch blood and destruction, you best stay away from this game. I bet Teddy Bridgewater is terrified right now. Maybe he'll claim he has a pinky injury and let Ponder go out there to get killed by the fast-moving traffic on the Kalil expressway.

Game. Over. Good for you, Jared. Glad you had such a great game. Ponder, I'm sorry. You didn't deserve to die like this.

Come and we'll drink a toast to Jared Allen's big game. The game is on CBS, so at least we'll have good picture quality instead of the crap we usually get on our local Fox affiliate.

Vikings @ Buccaneers

So, the Vikings showed off their famed "Bend Then Break" defense and successfully let the Bills win in the last second. Those who saw it noticed it was an extraordinarily sloppy game with the Bills blowing numerous chances to put the ball game away. The Vikings offense was putrid and Bridgewater had his share of bad throws as his learning continues. Kalil whiffed and continues to try hard to get his QB killed. He hasn't even been successful at that. Big surprise.

The most enjoyable part of the game was being able to repeat Booby Dixon over and over again. I know. How juvenile. But the best line was from one of the announcers: "Booby Dixon busts one ..." Well, this Booby was certainly no bust as he came in as a third stringer and made some tough yards.

I won't be in town for the Buccaneers game, but I predict a victory.

Yes.

Vikings @ Bills

My problem last week simply was that I was way too specific in my prediction. What I really meant to say was this:

RAJIVADAMUS QUATRAIN 5-2014

When the horse rides again in the cycle of time

Hairy beasts try to maul after many moons

Home is where the heart may stop beating

Kalil continuously pretends invisibility as water engulfs the bridge

Saint Teddy looked mortal for one game. The Vikings look like they will manage to win a few games purely because of their aggressive defense (yes, I can't even believe I'm writing that) and because I'm sure that at some point receivers will decide that it may be fun to actually hold on to passes thrown their way. And maybe we'll find a left tackle who thinks it would be more effective to stop someone instead of whiffing at thin air. I predict four more wins. 6-10 this year. Super bowl next year.

Rajivadamus has spoken.

So, the Vikings are 2-3 and 0-2 in the division. There are no guaranteed wins any more for this team. If you can lose to the lions (the LIONS!) at home, it's clear any game is a potential loss. As I type, I am beginning to wonder if four more wins this season is a little too optimistic. Both the offensive and defensive lines were worthless on Sunday. Prediction? I've learned my lesson. Here's my Rajivadamus prediction for this Sunday.

In a clash whose meaning people will wonder

Fans despair, especially those with Ponder

Some from near a great lake will cheer to no avail

The team from the land of snow will prevail

Just like Nostradamus, I can't lose with this prediction.

It's surprisingly early in the Fall for me to be telling you to come for the company not any great game. The season is almost over for the Vikings, folks. Nothing to see here, keep moving on. I know you'll still stare because that's what people do when they go by ghastly wrecks. But just try not to stare, okay?

Lions @ Vikings

I've never understood the fuss over Nostradamus and his supposed premonitions written down in vaguely worded quatrains. They are so vague that they could apply to any situation when looked at through a lens examining a long history.

On the other hand, it's hard to argue that Dostoyevsky's passage, in Crime and Punishment, describing the killing of Ivanova by Raskolnikov, was not based on his watching the Vikings-Packers game way in the past. Prepare to have your mind blown by Dostoyevsky's prescient description of the game. Here's what he wrote [with my clarifying interpretations in brackets]:

"He [Surely you can see Raskolnikov is just a slightly modified form of Rodgers] pulled the axe quite out, swung it with both arms, scarcely conscious of himself, and almost without effort, almost mechanically [see, that's a perfect description of Rodgers' throwing motion last Thursday], brought the blunt side down on her head [Ivanovna clearly represents the Ponder-led Vikings -Alyona and Ponder have the same number of letters, she beats up regularly on Lizaveta (Lions) but is powerless to resist Rodgers (Raskolnikov)] ... As she was so short, the blow fell on the very top of her skull [see, a description of the opening drive]. She cried out, but very faintly, and suddenly sank all of a heap on the floor [referring to Ponder's feeble attempt at running an offense], raising her hands to her head...[this was an attempt at trying to surrender that Rodgers (Raskolnikov) ignores] Then he dealt her another and another blow with the blunt side and on the same spot [Touchdown, Touchdown, Touchdown, Touchdown, Touchdown. Mercifully, Dostoyevsky suspends the description after the second blow because, from a literary standpoint, you have gotten the idea by then]. The blood gushed as from an overturned glass [a beautifully poetic description of the Vikings game plan after the first quarter], the body fell back [yes, it did]. He stepped back, let it fall, [he did] and at once bent over her face; she was dead. Her eyes seemed to be staring out of their sockets, the brow and the whole face were drawn and contorted convulsively. [it was only then that Rodgers-Raskolnikov stepped back and allowed Matt Flynn to step in]"

Mind. Blown. Right? Clear evidence that Dostoevsky watched this game way back in 1865. Nostradamus should never impress you ever again.

Oh, and this game was more evidence that the NFL is full of biased bastards. The NFL-darling-Packers can do no wrong. They can hold, pull, celebrate, pray, dance, pull, but get no penalties. Let a Viking attempt a tackle or deep coverage, and they get called. If there was any justice in the league, the entire Packers team would have been put on the "exempt" list for the "butt-whoopin'" they put on the Vikings on Thursday. Are you listening, Mr. Goodell?

This week, things get easier. Hey, it's the Lions after all. How tough can that be? There are rumors that Megatron may be injured and sit out the game. Matt Stafford is no Rodgers. Of course the Lions are whining about the loss of their star players. As if that will get any sympathy from the Vikings (do we need to remind them of Peterson, Rudolph, Simpson, Fusco, etc.?).

Hopefully Christian Ponder will not play. The last time Christians were thrown to the lions, things didn't turn out that well. But, Zimmer was very clear after the Packers game that Teddy Bridgewater would play. Even if he has to be pushed out in a wheelchair, he will play. So, that bodes well for the Vikings. Since I have become so good at predictions, I'm going to predict the Vikings winning this game by a touchdown: 24-17 Vikings. Come help cheer the Vikings to victory.

Vikings @ Packers

You may have noticed the sudden chill in the air that coincidentally started right after the Vikings game. The Universe seemed a little out of balance. Cold gusts started to swoop into Minnesota. Icicles were seen forming on the noses of horned creatures statewide. There was good reason to believe hell was freezing over. The Vikings actually won a game in which Ponder played. That is an incredible achievement for this team. Hopefully, we won't have to put up with this frozen hell much longer. I have been praying to the Norse gods that Teddy Bridgewater's sprained ankle won't keep him out of Thursday's showdown with the Packers. The rumor is that Ponder is preparing to start against the Packers. One of the scariest headlines I read on Monday claimed that Christian Ponder said he was "Ready To Go" if Teddy couldn't play. Thor help us all!

No matter what, it looks like Teddy Time is here for good in the long term. Even Kalil was able to hold defenders for the split second it took for Teddy to get rid of the ball. This was an huge win (no one gave the Vikings a chance against the Falcons) and a dominant offensive performance. Hard to believe, but my quick search of data suggests that it has been OVER TEN YEARS since any Vikings offense put up over 550 yards in a game. Jerrick McKinnon (who?) had 132 yards rushing on 19 carries. It even made me briefly forget about he-who-shall-not-be-named.

The Vikings head to Lambeau Field for a game on Thursday night game. Everywhere I walk, the pavement has been wet this week, from the drooling Packer fans who are looking forward to this game so they can put another smackdown on the Vikings, I assume. I'm not hopeful of a win. But then, last week, I would have taken any bet against the Vikings in the Falcons game. You never know what can happen if the stars align and the Mighty Thor decides to bring his hammer down on the cheese.

Falcons @ Vikings

Pink Floyd wrote "Run Like Hell" in 1979 for The Wall album. I sure hope Teddy Bridgewater listens to the deeply philosophic advice Roger Waters gives him through that song:

"Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run.
You better make your face up in
Your favorite disguise.
With your button down lips and your
Roller blind eyes.
With your empty smile 
And your hungry heart.
Feel the bile rising from your guilty past.
With your nerves in tatters
When the cockleshell shatters
And the hammers batter 
Down the door.
You'd better run."

The biggest news of the week was not Cassell being done for the season, it was Brandon Fusco (the RG who just signed a 5-year $25 million contract with the Vikings) being placed on injured reserve making him out for the rest of the season.

On the right, we now have Vladimir Ducasse who reminded me of a flaming garbage fire during his brief appearance during the Saints game last weekend. Speaking of garbage, it doesn't get much flamier and stinkier than our #4 overall pick from 2012, Matt Kalil. After making the pro bowl in his rookie year and mysteriously sinking into the quicksand of mediocrity last year, he was projected to have a breakout year this year. The only breaking out we've seen so far has been on the part of any (yes, any) defender who happens to be across from him so far. Kalil looks so incompetent that even half-hearted attempts at rushing the passer result in the QB hitting the ground. In the last game, as one blogger noted, Kalil could legitimately have been given credit for a sack of his own quarterback after he tripped up the QB while being shoved back like a paper figure. At the moment, it looks like he'd have trouble blocking a laundry-line T-shirt from hitting his face.

Oh, remember Kyle Rudolph who signed a 5-year $36.5 million contract extension this year? He's gone for at least six weeks for surgery to repair a sports hernia. And I have no desire to talk of the playing status of Adrian Peterson who signed a 6-year $86.2 million contract with the Vikings recently.

But, the TB infection has started in Minnesota. We're going to throw him to the wolves (Falcons). Poor man is going to be ducking and dodging defensive players all day. Kalil clearly is on a mission to ensure that at least one QB has a good chance of getting killed on each play and Ducasse is so out of it that he doesn't even realize that defenders have gone past him. Matt Asiata looks at every play as the opportunity to grind out a solid 2.5 yards and decides to run into the nearest defender once he manages to get 2.5 yards past the line of scrimmage. Norv Turner obviously has something against Cordarelle Patterson. Despite being the only playmaker actually still playing on the team, he is almost never targeted. Cordarelle must have made a pass at Norv's wife or something like that. For whatever reason, he is in the doghouse.

So, come watch Teddy Time start in Minnesota with Teddy getting a good view of the sky when he is on his back after each play. We can enjoy the view with him. 

Come watch TB run. When the cockleshell shatters ... And the hammers batter down the door ...