Vikings @ Packers

Last week, I happened to be watching an episode of a TV show called “American Horror Story.” I’ll leave out the gory details of the episode, but in one scene, a character believes that his gay partner is into bondage and s&m (based on catching him in an inappropriate chat room) and decides to visit a store to buy some items to help bring his partner back to him. As he wanders the store in obvious embarrassment and discomfort, the salesperson identifies some rather painful looking “toys” and explains what they do. Let’s just say I started to cringe and feel severe phantom pains when they showed and discussed things like the “ball crusher” that involves a metal “pouch”, leather belts and spikes. That was one of the most painful moments of TV watching I have had recently.

I had some of those same feelings of “phantom pain” when I watched the Vikings play on Sunday. Actually, I alternated between laughter and pain. Watching the Vikings certainly qualifies as an emotional rollercoaster. I can only hope that at some point this rollercoaster will climb a summit rather than seeming to be in continuous free fall (and gathering speed). Sure the Seahawks are a good team. But did the Vikings really have to go to the extreme lengths of replicating the feeling of a “ball crusher”?

And what is with Leslie Frazier? Ponder was his usual inconsistent self and got pulled in the second half. And, what did I just hear? Frazier has named Ponder the starter for Sunday’s game against the Packers. Apparently, Ponder gives us the “best chance to win.” If that’s true, it makes me worry for these two other quarterbacks. Can you imagine what it must be doing to their self-esteem? They’re (presumably) seeing the same things we’re seeing. And Frazier still insists that “Ponder gives us the best chance to win?” Ouch. Now, clearly Cassel is the backup. It doesn’t matter what he does, he will never be named the starter. But what about Freeman? That is one expensive benchwarmer for the team to buy. Does Frazier not yet know that Ponder is not our QBOTF? Why not give Freeman a shot to end the season and play himself out of a job? Perhaps Frazier trotted out his usual line “There’s still plenty of the season to go. We have to be patient. There is no problem with the plan, players just need to execute better.” Freeman must have done something really awful to be the third-stringer on this team. I am guessing that at some point footage will be uncovered of Freeman kicking Frazier’s kitten or something. I just cannot think of ANY possible reason to continue to play Ponder and keep Freeman on the bench. At this point I think all sense and reason is out the window with this coaching staff and front office. The owners are probably just counting down to the days when we will clean out the current staff and start working on the rebuild.

Well, at least now you have an alternative if you’re into pain? Forget the “ball crusher” and go cheap – get yourself a poster of Christian Ponder. No need for fifty shades of grey. With Ponder, you’ll get hundreds of thousands of shades of grey. Glorious High Definition Grey!

Come for the pain. Stay for the food (LET ME KNOW IF YOU’RE COMING). Watch Scott Tolzien lay his claim to a Hall of Fame bust.

Vikings @ Seahawks

If I was a bandwagon-jumper, this would be the week. After all, Washington State University is my alma mater. And this is one of those "guaranteed loss" weeks. I am betting that this will be a repeat of the Packers game. The Vikes may hold on to keep it close in the first half (if we're lucky) and then will get blown out, losing by at least two touch downs (if we're lucky).

But unlike some of you on this list, I'm not a bandwagon jumper. In fact, I'm finding there's some sense of camaraderie among Vikings fans who sort of enjoy wallowing in the shared misery of continuous losing. It's almost a brotherhood forged by the sense that as a Vikings fan we're emotionally tougher that the rest of you wussy pro-football fans out there. Enjoying a super bowl win is easy. Suffering through year after year (after year after year) of agonizing losses and crushed expectations and still turning on the TV on Sunday is only for the hardier characters among us.

But even I will admit that motivating myself to watch the game is getting almost as hard for me as it is for Jerome Simpson to stay away from alcohol. As I told someone recently, the only reason I've watched games recently is because of the company. Don't show up this Sunday and I'll probably find some better use of my time. And, you wouldn't want that, would you?

So, the Vikings managed to beat a Washington team (yes, I think they SHOULD change their team name. Until then, maybe I'll just refer to them as "they who must not be named") who had a lousier defense than that of Richie Incognito (whose lawyer claims that he loves Jonathan Martin like a brother and people are taking his comments out of context). And they still almost won the game. Actually, it was an entertaining game and I was hoping for a last-second loss. That way, the Vikings would have been able to claim a psychological victory (an "almost win") while maintaining their position in the draft order.

Silly Frazier is playing his silly games refusing to name the starting QB (will it be Ponder, Cassel or Freeman???) or the starting WR (will it be Simpson or Cordarelle???) I don’t blame him. These silly naming games are probably the only way he manages to keep his day interesting. That and checking his resume again.

Sunday, they face another Washington team - the super-power Seattle Seahawks in Seattle. This time they’re not going to be so lucky. The Seahawks are undefeated at home and will remain so after this weekend. They’re 9-1 on the season and are super bowl favorites. Hmmm. I’m almost talking myself into becoming a bandwagon-jumper now.

Come on over and stop me from making the jump!