Vikings @ Cowboys

In the words of one particularly astute football commentator from the sixties, this is the end …

This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end.

Nothing to live or die for. Nothing to watch TV for. Nothing to hope for.

Except next year.

So, let’s talk draft and prospective coaches. QB will be a need as will defensive backs. Who do you think will be good prospects for replacement coach? We can continue this discussion on Sunday when the Vikings head towards their 2-14 or 3-13 season (I’m assuming that by pure luck they’ll manage to win a couple of games where they’re the underdog. There’s always the Lions who find ways to lose …

Regression to the mean suggests that Freeman will have a better outing than last time. There’s no way he can get any worse, is there?

Packers @ Vikings

Welcome one, welcome all to the tragi-comedy that is the Minnesota Vikings.

The desperation bowl game that masqueraded as Monday Night Football lived down to its immeasurably small expectations and dived deeper. It was so bad that by half time, the group of us watching the game were rolling over laughing with tears in our eyes. Luckily we did not indulge in the many drinking games that were suggested (drink when a Vikes CB gets burned, drink when a sure-fire interception is dropped, drink when Freeman overthrows a receiver by more than 10 yards, etc.) It is probably just a coincidence that the movie I watched two weekends ago was the Titanic. Then, last Sunday, it seemed like I was watching the Titanic again. Except there was no Kate Winslet. And no awe-inspiring special effects. And no Celine Dion.

But there was the sense of impending doom before the show even really started. There were the laughably cheesy moments of obvious emotion manipulation. And, there was, of course, the big, grand, crash-and-burn, spectacular, drawn-out sinking scene with the virtual stench of death all around. To give the game some credit, all this happened before halftime. I bet Celine Dion wishes she had chosen to sing “My Heart Will Go On” after this game instead of after that other movie. Although, I think maybe she would have chosen to sing “I Surrender” (from her 2002 album ‘A New Day Has Come’ if you’re interested).

Like a bad sequel, the Vikings continue the drama with some outrageously funny (in a sad, pathetic, ridiculous sort of way) decision making. After Freeman’s “Hey suckers, my awful performance in Tampa was real. I really am awful” performance in New York, the coach decided that even the worst QB performance in recorded history was better than anything Ponder or Cassel could do, and named Josh Freeman the starter for Sunday’s game. Then, after someone (probably Wilf, who is watching his franchise become the laughingstock of the NFL) knocked some sense into the coach, an announcement was made that Freeman actually couldn’t start because he suffered from a mysterious rib injury, um {already used that}, avian flu, uh {not dramatic enough}, flesh-eating bacteria infection, errr {may be a little TOO unbelievable}, CONCUSSION. Yes, that’s it. A few days after the game, he suddenly realized that he must have sustained a concussion during the third quarter without being hit. Poor guy can’t play. And we’re back to Cassel McNabb Webb T-Jack Favre Rosenfels Frerotte Culpepper CHRISTIAN PONDER. Wooohoooo! Amazing what time can do to perspective. Ponder suddenly seems like the best option for the Vikings. Frazier, of course, insisted that everything is fine with the team and that they continue to have a great game plan (like throwing the ball 50+ times with a brand new QB and the best RB in all football) and only minor adjustments are needed before they can turn this thing around (yep, like right back towards the iceberg). But don’t worry folks, this situation is only temporary until we can convince Tim Tebow to sign with theVikings.

So, we have the Vikings hosting the Packers on Sunday night. What can I say to convince you to come over for the game on Sunday night? To help you with your decision, here’s a list with the …

TOP TEN REASONS YOU SHOULD COME OVER FOR THE GAME ON SUNDAY NIGHT

10. You’re lonely and you have no other friends

9. You’ve already watched all the Twilight movies

8. There are no ‘Dora the Explorer’ reruns on Sunday nights

7. You love “Titanic” and enjoy watching big things sink

6. You’re a fan of Shakespeare and are up for ANY version of “The Comedy of Errors”

5. You get a kick out of watching things self-destruct

4. You’re a Vikings fan and a closet masochist

3. You’re a Packers fan and you’re looking forward to gloating

2. You think the best way to drown your sorrows is good Beer (or three)

And, the number one reason to show up on Sunday night …

1.       You know Sheila is there until 5 and will have whipped up something great for dinner

Panthers @ Vikings

Come on. You have to give the Vikings credit for keeping it exciting. Most of us had stopped surfing the Internet for cheap Super Bowl tickets and flights to New Jersey. In fact, we have now discovered that Sundays in December are suddenly open for all those other important duties like picking lint out of the pockets of dress pants.

Plus, it was a bye week for the Vikings. You know - the week where people start to forget there’s supposed to be a professional football team in Minnesota.

Then the Vikings decided it was the perfect time to pick another inconsistent, reject QB from a lousy team to shore up the offensive firepower we were obviously lacking. (Never mind that Josh Robinson couldn’t defend a warship from an attack by garden gnomes.) Leslie Frazier and Rick Spielman have been diligent in explaining that this does not change anything for Ponder (who is “still our starter”) or Cassel (who had good “execution as a quarterback”). I mean, why would Ponder worry just because the Vikings bring in another QB at a higher salary than him? It’s not like he has lost the support of fans or anything. He claims he’s recovering quite well from his “rib injury.”

Expect to see Ponder taking advantage of his MBA to land a corporate job before the end of the season. No matter what doublespeak we get from Rick and Leslie, the Ponder era in Minnesota is officially over. I would be surprised if we saw him on the field again this season. Although Frazier insists that Ponder will start if he’s ready to play, my prediction is that Cassel will start this Sunday. If he continues to play well and win, he will remain the starter for a couple of games. Then, don’t be surprised if he gets “injured” and Freeman is forced into the game. Frazier will than hold a press conference about how they had to “do what’s best for the team” and Ponder is a “fine young player with a bright future ahead of him.” Just not with one of the lousiest teams in the league.

Frazier and Spielman have finally realized they would prefer not to be without jobs and have swallowed their pride and admitted they failed miserably with the Ponder experiment. This is a last ditch attempt to save their jobs and if Freeman starts in a few weeks and lights it up – getting the Vikings into the playoffs, both of them will have saved their jobs.

Now if only we can ensure that Musgrave also gets a “rib injury” (the kind that doesn’t involve any actual physical harm to the guy), the team might actually have some hope.

I’m going to go out on a limb and predict two consecutive wins. They play the Panthers this week and the Giants next week – both struggling teams. We’ll see …

Hope to see you on Sunday, or sometime this season. Forward this to any new faculty/friends you think should be on this list.